Why You Should Be Extra Conscious When With a Socially Anxious Person

| By: Sadie De Arruda (a socially anxious person) | June 13, 2022 |

Everyone has felt anxious at some point in their life or another. Whether it was when they went on a first date, or when their least favourite teacher wanted to talk to them after class. But for those of us with social anxiety, every day can feel like this depending on where we’re going and who we have to see. For context, social anxiety affects around 8% - 13% of Canadians according to Statistics Canada, meaning that in a group of twenty it’s highly likely at least one person will have social anxiety. And to be honest, it’s not that hard to spot us if you’re willing to take a second and look.

Blushing tends to be romanticized. Something the woman moving from the big city to the countryside in a Hallmark movie does when she sees the small-town veterinarian who looks like he can’t find the exit at the gym, there are so many of us out there constantly red in the face just because we have to tell the woman in the drive-through window that we want extra ketchup for our fries. Social anxiety looks different for everyone but some common symptoms include a racing heart when your mailman says good morning, sweating even though it’s February, nausea after someone said something to you and you didn’t realize they were talking to you so you didn’t respond and now they probably think you hate them because one time you made a funny face at them before when you had to sneeze and never explained yourself and now they definitely don’t want to talk to you anymore, as well as many other symptoms we just can’t hide.

And it’s not as if there’s just one type of trigger for us because we’re all different, so walking beside someone in the hallway may not stress out some, but for others that small act is more stressful than going through airport security with a secret piercing. Triggers can range anywhere from shopping, to having to give a speech in front of a large audience. So instead of asking quiet Marcia from accounting to lunch, only for her to have a panic attack in the bathroom when she realizes it’s a retirement party with the whole branch, just let her know the plan ahead of time.

If you don’t know what could trigger someone, it's probably best not to surprise them. And you need to consider this for every surprise from a road trip to grandma’s house, to a surprise birthday party where even your chatty coworkers have been invited. Because what may seem like harmless fun or even a cool way to celebrate, may end up costing this person thousands in therapy bills later down the road.

Other ways you can and should support someone with social anxiety include offering a smile, creating small talk with the loner in the corner who may be too nervous to join a big group, and making sure to keep lines of communication open as to not force an anxious person into a spiral of thinking they may be annoying you by asking how your day was. There are also more things you can do while conversing with someone with social anxiety to help them out a little, such as making sure you’re listening and repeating small details to show your investment in the conversation, and remembering to remain patient because they may not feel comfortable opening up to you automatically since, as you know, people are scary sometimes.

With so many triggers in their day-to-day life, many people with Social Anxiety tend to struggle to get through the day no matter how many breathing exercises our mom found on Facebook and sent to us, that we try out. So, when you interact with someone with social anxiety, or someone you think has social anxiety, don’t expect them to open up to you immediately, don’t compare them to the Grinch or Porky Pig, and don’t put them in situations they are not prepared for. You should be patient, understanding, and give them their space when they want it. It’s not rocket science, people.